The Future is coming, get ready
· 19 November 2004 ·

Friends, Romans,Washintonians, Countrymen, Countrywoman, Rednecks,scarfnecks and long necks, I CALL TO YOU!

you may or may not enjoy the presence of snow, after all, it is just the more frigid distant cousin of rain, and sticks around longer than rain. But i say, celebrate all the [in]consistent weather patterns yah got while we still have seasons. sure, we can toss this off as ‘weather’, but the truth is friends, in the future, things will be different….

dooda loo dooda loo dooda loo dooda loo dooda loo dooda loo

I wake up early in my full body water bed to the sound of digital birds chirping on my cellphone/dvd player/atom watch/mp4 player/vaccine shot/swiss multi-tool and hit the snooze button, but stab myself on the bottle opener. But of course my super-human, genetically altered skin will repair this small gash with a nice popping sound.

Then i de-molecularize and re-molecularize inside my shower, (which is across the room) and insert my Doctor Bronner’s body detergent lotion in the lather machine that spurts erratic shots of foam over my body. while doing this ,I, a successful American, must manage my time, so i smoke my breakfast through my surgeon general reccomended breakfast bong on the go as i shower. mmmm smooth, government grown hydroponics.

i then proceed into the stainless steel box labeled ‘dry,shave,clothe,spin’ machine, of course i wont go into the specifics of this commonplace invention with large mechanical arms with white gloves on that makes loud chugging and banging noises in a comical fashion.

then of course i take the long commute on my human segway unicycle with my Enya pumping loud, and 10 cupholders (for my coffee subsitute jello,fruit puree,blended tofutti,liquid adrenaline,water subsitute,carbonated maple syrup energy drink,hot chocolate goo, artificial bovine milk product,citrus shot glass and RAVE JUICE)

after a long day of working at the controlled artificial ecosystem office building complete with lightning storms if i’m late to a meeting (oh those guys up at AE Control love to mess with me)
, i like to relax in my cubiclet(a small 1m wide and long graphite slab) and count the times that fly has circled my head, before i use my telepathic powers to explode it.

only mildly pleased, i head back home and let my android to the rest of the work, by now it is night again, as the sun has evaporated to 3/4 it’s size, freezing over everything north and south 300 miles and up from the equator, IE mass population density ring.

i plug myself into the Matrix and proceed to make out with sim-strangers and play in my sim-band, a techno-thrashcore-jazz-pop-folk-rock band known as ‘band #65330085701’ we’re gonna make it big, I just know it.

Later i go to the gestation tubes and feed the children, my they’re getting all squeely!, better give them some THCRitalinvisine gas to put them at ease.
well, that’s the day unit for me, time to take my sleep shot.
ahhhhhhh, gooooooood slllllleeeepyzzzzzzz

Written by Patrick Holahan