Crap. Four more wars!
· 3 November 2004 ·

SEATTLE—This election night has been bitter. If the people in this state were more mixed and politically diverse, I wouldn’t suffer from the sensation that my candidate has an overwhelming majority. It just doesn’t account for the conservative lot that is the rest of the country.

I still do, however, take solace in the election coverage being close to a spectator sport. It’s almost as bad as a realtime preemptive invasion done with reality TV undertones.

Now here’s Jesus with the weather: “Thank you my son. Sinners watch out, I forecast 2-4 centimeters of fire and brimstone to hail from the heavens. The heathens and heretics shall be smitten early morn plus the incubating hellions of purgatory shall be unleashed hopefully by brunch. As you can see here,” Jesus gestures, “there is a scorching front of Armageddon moving in from the Texas region which will cannonade and bombard over much of this once green earth without relent. There is nary a chance for salvation, my children. Indeed, I shall loftily ascend to a safe puffy cloud later on this afternoon to join Santa Claus, Tupac, and Mother Teresa in a jovial game of bridge. Dangerfield cancelled.”

In other news, we should all become ninjas. And if we’re already ninjas then we should do more ninja things. And it’s also my lifelong aspiration to write for the Onion, I decided. Agreed?

Written by Izak Elvrum


  1. Kari    Nov 10, 01:48 AM    #